What causes a person to become toxic?
Life is different for all of us. Sometimes it treats us well and sometimes we get the short end of the stick. So why do some people become toxic and others not...?
1) Trauma
When a person has been through an intensely stressful situation, albeit short-term or long-term, that can create a long-lasting imprint on the mind.
The imprint can be so strong that it can rewire the brain and transform their thinking pattern.
These neural changes (and subsequent behavioural changes) are defense mechanisms. Their purpose is to protect the mind from a harsh reality and/or avoiding any future suffering in a similar situation.
While the original purpose of these defense mechanisms is to support a person in getting through traumatic situation, they are only designed for short-term survival purposes.
Unfortunately, the human mind doesn't work in a way that we can just switch off these mechanisms.
These adaptations that were once useful become maladaptive and counterproductive in the long-term.
Even just being a witness to someone else's trauma can have the very effect, depending on how a person's mind works.
EXAMPLE: A person who suffered the loss of a parent at a young age may have compensated for that loss by catering more to their own needs.
As a result of directing most (or all) of their emotional resources to self, their ability to show care and concern for other may have atrophied.
From the outside looking in, this person may be self-absorbed, selfish and perhaps lacking in self-awareness.
2) Dysfunctional upbringing
When a person is raised within a dysfunctional dynamic, they can become desensitised to or unaware that certain behaviors are toxic.
Because toxic behaviours, such as demonstrations of poor emotional control, were the most common ones modelled to them, they readily adopt them. It also made it easier to navigate that environment.
Again, these adaptations may have worked in those moments, but when children from those environments grow up, they can bring these unhealthy dynamics into their future friendships and relationships.
This can, of course, make it very difficult to maintain healthy long-term relationships.
EXAMPLE: A person raised in a passive- aggressive home - where conflicts are rarely resolved and direct, honest communication is non-existent - may struggle to open up emotionally in a romantic relationship.
They may avoid conflict, leading to a build-up of resentment and slow deterioration of the relationship from the inside out.
The same passive-aggressive behaviours they grew up seeing and practising (e.g. silent treatment) could surface.
It could even develop into a pattern of sabotaging potentially great relationships, because they lack the skills and emotional maturity required to build a strong foundation.
3) Peer group socialisation
Because of our innate need to belong and be included with individuals similar to ourselves, our peers are one of the main groups involved in our secondary socialisation.
It is for this reason that our experiences within these peer groups can so strongly influence our norms, values and what we believe to be acceptable.
Through this level of influence, peer groups can sometimes hold even more weight on our behaviours than our immediate families.
For some people, this can lead them to adopt toxic behaviours.
Peer pressure can cause one to conform to a toxic social dynamic in order to avoid being outcast.
EXAMPLE 1: A rigid school clique that excludes others based on trivial criteria may promote toxic behaviours.
A person trying to join this clique may take on a judgemental and condescending attitude towards others. Ex-communication and gossip could also be one normalised behaviours for them.
EXAMPLE 2: Someone bullied by their peers could develop maladaptive coping mechanisms that lead to their own toxicity.
They may practise isolation, which perhaps protected them from negative peer interactions in the past. But, this could alienate other potential healthy relationships in the present and make them seem selfish and inconsiderate.
4) Epigenetics
We don't come into this world as blank slates. The expression of our genes is influenced by the experiences of those who came before us.
That information acquired throughout the lifetimes of our parents, grandparents (and so on) downloads into the DNA and passes on to us, resulting in many of our pre-existing mental frameworks and behaviours.
EXAMPLE: Let's use the earlier example of the person who adapted to the loss of a parent at a young age by reserving all of their emotional resources for themselves.
Even if this person was to heal from the trauma in their life, their children and children's children could still have similar emotionally unavailable tendencies because how strongly it is expressed in the DNA.
Although their descendents may come from healthy two-parent households, they may still exhibit some of their maladaptive, selfish behaviours.
They may even struggle to have a relationship with their parents as a result of the loss suffered earlier in their lineage.
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NB: None of these reasons excuse toxic behaviour, but they do help you understand the psychology that drives people who operate in this way.
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