Discernment 101

There are several forms of discernment we use, but the most common form that we often consider is social discernment.

Social discernment is the decision-making process you use to build and maintain a healthy social circle and support system.

Our social discernment is usually it its peak when we are first meeting someone.

When we aren’t familiar with someone, our senses are heightened. We are evaluating as many details as possible to decide whether this person should be allowed further into our life or kept at a distance.

We all do this using our own personal standards and inevitable prejudices.

Over time, as the trust within the relationship grows deeper with a person, we naturally relax our discernment and eventually switch it off altogether.

This is natural, HOWEVER, I believe that this is a major flaw that can actually become hindrance sometimes.

Remember, people change over time, including you.

This is why it’s important to keep your discernment active even if you have known somebody for a long time; you can’t expect them to stay the same forever.

In order for a relationship of any nature to survive (and thrive) for a long period of time, both people must be willing to consider their own growth, as well as that of the other person, while also prioritising compatibility.

The strongest relationships are built overtime from both parties having enough courage to take an honest look at the other person and, despite the imperfections, make the informed decision to continue growing together and learning about each other through this process.

When your social discernment is active, you need to ask yourself, “When I’m around this person, what side of me surfaces?”.

And then you have to be honest with yourself and open to whatever the answer is.

If you notice that being around a particular person (or even group of people, for that matter), brings out a side of you that you’re not particularly proud of, then you have to consider one of two reasons...

Either:

Option A) Your character needs some work

OR

Option B) They are hindering your development

As a naturally introspective person, I always test option A first, because it’s the easier of the two options to deal with (for me).

It may be a hard pill to swallow, but if my character needs further development, then I can see improvements based on the amount of effort I put in. Option B, however, depends solely on how receptive the other person is and how willing (if they are willing at all) to make any changes.

Generally speaking, I would always suggest seriously considering option A first, because it’s always better to check yourself before others check you.

When you think about it, though, it does make more sense this way, because if you can’t be accountable enough to realise when you might be the one with the bad energy, then what really puts you in a position to tell someone else that?

You’ve got to be willing to look yourself in the eye and identify when you are being toxic, jealous, and cynical or just an overall bad influence.

Learning this about yourself doesn’t mean that you instantly abandon all of your relationships and crawl under a rock.

But you do have to consider your growth, the growth of the other person (or people) and your compatibility.

Maybe you do need to take a few steps back from them in order to work on yourself without negatively impacting them any further than you may have already.

Or, depending on the depth of your relationship, maybe divulging this with them could enlist them as an accountability partner, who helps you become the better version of yourself that you both want to see!

Having a great support system that encourages your growth, especially when it’s not easy is incredibly valuable, so if you are have the safe space to do so, don’t take it for granted.

This now brings us around to option B.

If you come to the unfortunate conclusion that your growth is actually being hindered by the other person, then you first have to decipher whether this is being done intentionally or not.

Finding this out could be as simple as asking a question.

Here’s an example:

“Hey, when you make jokes about ____ it makes me feel self-conscious because I am still healing from ____. Could you not refrain from making jokes about such sensitive topics?”

Being vulnerable enough to address it, allows you to give the benefit of the doubt and allows the opportunity for the other person to make a change.

This actually shows a high level of discernment, because rather than cutting them off with little to no explanation (“Practices commonly mistaken for discernment”), you are being courageous and transparent.

A person who may have been unintentionally contributing to bringing out a lesser version of you, would likely be very understanding and respect the boundary that you establish. You would almost immediately notice positive changes in their behaviour, because they value you and the relationship, and are willing to put in the effort to support your growth.

Someone who is intentionally holding you back, on the other hand, will probably make it quite difficult and uncomfortable for you to even have that conversation with them.

You may get the sense that they’re not interested by way of their tone or body language, but the important thing is that you would have done your part, which is to communicate.

From that point onward, all you would need to do is observe them.

What do they do with that information?

Do they completely ignore what you discussed with them? Do they double down and deliberately bring out that lesser version of you that you are trying to suppress? Do they mock the fact that you were vulnerable enough to have a conversation with them about it?

This is when the ball is back in your court.

You could decide to tolerate the maltreatment, knowing there is unlikely to be any ounce of change from them. This would also mean that your growth will continuously be inhibited by your relationship with them.

Alternatively, you could make the decision to remove that person from your life, so you can focus on your own growth and potentially pour into someone who also appreciates and supports your development.

Social discernment, and any form of discernment for that matter, involves making tough decisions.

The simple fact is that in order to enjoy the good, you must be able to identify and separate yourself from the bad. It’s all a part of the process.

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